Meredith's Bizarre Outlook

Dear Ian,

Today marks 6 years since you left us.



The anniversary snuck up on me this year. I had a couple of moments where I thought to myself, “That’s right, it is coming up.” I even went to therapy last Friday and told him, “I think I’m in a really good place right now.”

Then, that weekend, it hit me. And I cried in my living room.

The first few months of living completely on my own last year were hard. But I got through it. And then, this summer happened. I watched my grandmother die. In fact, I had to make the call not to resuscitate anymore. That whole event, it messed me up. A lot. For months.

This year I felt extremely broken. I didn’t realize how much it messed me up until probably a dozen people approached me asking about how I was doing because I “didn’t seem like myself” or “seemed off.” That was a depression that I had not known the likes of since, well you died.

About a month ago, something finally flipped a switch and I have a sense of clarity again. And then the reality of today set it. It is a minor setback. I recognize that. But it is still a bit of a gut punch, you know?

This year has had some great points to it though. I made some fantastic friends through the assistance of a video game. We are actually going on a group trip together to St. Louis in March to an event sponsored by the game. It should be a lot of fun. I have never been to St. Louis before.

Brett met an amazing woman and he is happier than I ever remember him being. She invited me to his birthday dinner at your mom’s place last year. It allowed me the opportunity to be around Sarah, Drew, and the kids as well. I can’t believe how big they all are. It feels like a blink that Maxine was turning 2 and you were introducing me to your family. Now Max is doing running events, Charlotte is trying to keep Julian in line (like only a big sister can do), and Julian was quizzing everyone on the Beatles song/album he played via the iPad. That felt like he was channeling you.

I love you very much. You were such a huge part of my life. You still are. I still feel a gigantic hole there sometimes. Other times it feels filled with happy memories and love. But days like this….

I am thinking of buying a house towards the end of this year or early next year. I know, it's crazy. After having the home together with you, I never thought I would go that route again. Especially on my own. It is kind of a scary path if I am being honest.

I never revealed what I did with the t-shirt I gave you and ultimately got back after you left us.I plan on hanging it up at my new place next year. It is a bit heavy, so I haven’t been brave enough to hang it in my apartment.



It's not the best photo, but there you have it. I hope that you approve.

I still miss you every day. I wish I could still share all of these pieces of my life with you. Life does go on, but it is so much different without you here. I find myself using phrases that you used, channeling your persona at times, even making similar gestures to you. I don’t do it on purpose. But it is certainly a testament to how much you impacted my life and how much you have become a part of who I am, my identity.

I love you.
I miss you.
I hope you're at peace.

Love,
Meredith

Dear Ian,

Today marks 4 years since you left us.



Somehow, this year seem to hurt more than the last couple. It might be that I was floating along, oblivious to just how much this anniversary date was affecting me. Until about Wednesday. Then it was like a punch in the the stomach and I can't seem to *stop* thinking about it. I think that I still miss your presence as least once every day.

This whole last year has been a struggle for me. I had two surgeries, one on both of my feet and then on that stupid bum knee of mine. I am still recovering from the knee surgery. It has proven to be much harder than I anticipated. I promoted at work. Jessica and I are working in the same office again. It has been going really well.

I have some really, really sad news though. Last June, I took Loki in to get her teeth cleaned and she needed a tooth pulled. They put her under anesthesia and her heart rate dropped and then stopped. I broke down at work when they told me. I didn't expect it at all. She was fine and cuddly and sweet the night before. I never imagined that she would never come home again. My boss sent me home that day. I was a complete wreck. And when I had time to really let it sick in, it was like losing the last living piece of our life together. It was like losing you all over again to some degree.



I know how much you loved her. And so did I. I cried like a little girl while typing that. It still hurts. So much still hurts.

I was driving to therapy on Friday. It is a 30 minute drive from my house. I think that I cried 3 or 4 times. I drove past Bonfyre Grill and started thinking about our Valentine's Day dinner mere days before you took your own life. I thought about the phone call from your mom and John and the words that I heard over the phone and how my body just gave out from under me when I got the news. I envisioned what you may have looked like when they found you. I thought about the look on your face that last night I saw you, after we kissed.

Part of me feels like I am so weak for still being so sad. I talked about it with my therapist Friday. He assured me that I am not. But I battle with how and feel and fear of being judged for those emotions.

Your mom and I still connect several times a year. We often talk about you for at least part of our time together. I am very grateful to have her in my life still. I feel like she is one of the few people that really understands what I am feeling and going through.

I want to remember you and smile. It's hard.

Other random things: I finally decided what to do with the money you left me. I think you would be proud and happy with my decision. I adopted a little black and white kitten. I was having trouble naming her and Brett helped come up with a name that I really loved: Glitch. Holy shit I'm going to be 40 this year. For real this time. Not like the facebook party invite that you sent out. KB got married to a really great dude. And KB and I have a really fun project that we started working on.

I wish you were still here.



I love you.
I miss you.
I hope you're at peace.

Love,
Meredith

Dear Ian -

Today marks 2 years since you left us.

Facing today was probably harder than facing the 18th during the first year after your death. I made sure to take the day off of work and surround myself with people. This year I opted for still going to work - I probably should have repeated what I did last year. Hindsight.

Your mom and I chat at least a couple of times a month. She and John moved back to Madison, not too far from where your sister and family are. The kids are SO BIG! I can't believe how big Maxine is. She looks just like Sarah but with red hair. Your mom comments about how much Julian looks like you did as a baby.

Their new house is nice. Its big with a nice view. They are talking about remodeling.

My new job is going well. It is still weird to be a boss. All of my performance reviews are good. In May I will be there for a year already.

I didn't go to Beer & Cheese Fest again this year. Maybe I will have the determination to go next year.

Also...I met someone. Part of me feels really guilty about giving my heart to someone else, especially knowing how much of it really still belongs to you. But I know that I can't "chase a ghost" as Vinnie told me. Yes, Vinnie was giving me advice. What about it? He's got some good nuggets from time to time.

Speaking of the guys, I went to Las Vegas with Shooter, Vinnie, Matt B. and Compton. Vinnie took pictures of me while I slept on the plane. How nice of him. All in all, I had a lot of fun with all of those guys and I wish you would have been able to be there too. It is still taking me some getting used to, calling them *my* friends instead of "Ian's friends." I suspect it will be that way for quite some time. But you will be happy to know, that I remain folded into the delicate construct of that circle of friends. <3

We have been trying to get together more often. But sometimes life gets in the way. At least we are all making an effort.

The Shamrock shake is back at McDonald's right now. Every time I see the ad, I think about how I'd love to get you one. BUT! "NO cherry and fuck the whipped cream!" Perhaps a bunch of us should get together had have one in your honor.

Needless to say, I still miss you like crazy. I cry less often, but sometimes I still do cry. Especially on days or events like this. I wish you were still here. I wish I could hug you and kiss you again. I wish I could see you cuddling Loki until she hissed at you, then you laughing at her and telling her "You're so BAD at that!"



I love you.
I miss you.
I hope you're at peace.

Love,
Meredith

I just woke up from a dream with Ian in it. I woke up sobbing.

The last thing he said in the dream was, "Well, you'll never have to worry about me hurting again."

The full dream:

I was at a house where a party was going on. Most of the people were outside. I was in the living room. The flicker of the television bouncing off the walls and furniture, muffled sound as the volume was turned very low. I was sitting in the corner of a couch. I heard voices and slowly people started trickling in and sitting on the floor and the other seating in the living room.

Ian walked in, fresh haircut, no baseball cap. He had a rather solemn look on his face, almost serious - deep in thought about something. A boy, about 17 or 18, comes and sits near my feet. Chatting away happily. He is someone that I have met in real live several times. He is the son of a couple that I know. He looks and talks like a younger, more awkward version of Ian. And he is in my dream, chatting to me, while Ian is walking in to the room.

Ian sits in the other corner of the couch that I am on. His left arm rests on the couch arm, his right arm rests along the back of the couch. He slumps further into the corner of the couch. We stare in to one another's eyes, communicating without speaking aloud. In the background, the boy is still chattering away. Ian looks at him, then back up an me. And then he says the line: "Well, you'll never have to worry about me hurting again."

I crawl over to the side of the couch that he sitting on. I bury my face in his chest and I start to cry. I sob. I let out 3 sobs and then I woke up.

When I woke up I was bawling in bed. I was inconsolable for many minutes. I couldn't even speak to say why I was crying. I just remember feeling so incredibly empty and sad when I woke up.