Meredith's Bizarre Outlook

Dear Ian - Year 8

2022-02-19T02:02:52Z

Dear Ian -

Today marks 8 years since you have left us. I actually had to do math to figure that out. That makes me even more sad about this day.

The pandemic is still a thing, Coronavirus is still around. Masks have become a daily part of my life. Whenever I leave the house, I make sure I have one with me. There have been several variants since I last wrote to you. And it has been keeping the infections going. There have been vaccines that were made and approved. But they lose their efficacy and I have already had 1 booster shot. I think the last thing I read said that over 6 million people worldwide have died from this. It feels like a fairly scary time to be alive. Winter has been hard on my mental health. Most of what I was doing before, meeting up with people, were outdoor activities. It was a safer way to get together. But I have been fairly locked up this winter.

Derrick and I started a side business that is doing really well. I am excited to see what it may lead to.

I know this will be a shock to you, but I left my job with the State and started working in private sector again! I started late October 2021. It has been a huge shift for me. And I am learning a lot. I hope this time next year that I won't feel like a flopping fish doing my job.

In other exciting news, my student loans got forgiven! That was super exciting.

I moved into my new house at the end of April. It is still weird to think that this is a place that I own.

I think that I spent a lot of this week, and today, avoiding thinking about what to really is. What it means.

I still think about you all of the time. I still miss you immensely. I miss your laugh. I miss with weird squawk that you would do when you would get surprised. I miss your sense of humor. I miss fighting with you over your stinky, dirty hat.

This picture of you and your mom came up in some memories. This was from when we went to go visit her in California in 2009. I went and looked up all the photos from that trip. I relived the memories of that adventure with you. One of the many, but I will always wish I had more.

I am thankful for the time that I had with you. I am thankful that I still have your mom in my life, especially since I no longer have my own. I am thankful for the friends and family that have reached out to me today to check on me, because they know how hard today is for so many of us.

I love you.
I miss you.
I hope you're at peace.

Love,
Meredith

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Dear Ian - Year 7

2021-02-19T03:39:42Z

Dear Ian -

Seven years? How can it already be 7 years?

Last night I drove past our old house on the West side. The lights were off, it looked empty. There was a little sitting bench on the front porch that we never used. I moved around to the back to see the plum tree. Your plum tree. It's not there anymore. I just about cried when I saw that.

I thought about it a lot of last night, and again this morning. I decided to email my landscaper for the house and ask him about putting a plum tree in the yard, for you.

Oh, that's right, I decided to have a house built! At first I was looking around at houses all over the city. And in my head, I always compared them to the home that we shared. Nothing measured up. There were always major things that I wanted to change about whatever I saw. So I did some math, lots of math and figured out that I could afford to build. So I worked through Veridian, just like we did, but this time from the bottom up.

I am closing on it in April. This all feels surreal.

In sad news, my mom passed away last March. About a week away from her birthday. It was all very sudden and traumatic and the family is still healing from the pain of what happened. But if you see her while in your afterlife travels, could you give her a hug from me and tell her that I love her? I didn't get to tell her goodbye before she left. I am assuming that Loki and you found each other and are paling around now.

I know that I told you about the trip to St. Louis that I was going to take with my friends. Sadly, that never happened. Our trip was supposed to be at the end of March. Mom passed away on the 8th, we have her memorial on the 13th, and days later they started locking down the entire state. State by state, things started closing down, travel was restricted, and large gatherings of people were forbidden. A Coronavirus called COVID-19 caused a global pandemic. Millions of people have gotten sick and hundreds of thousands have died. I have spent most of this last year not really seeing anyone in person, and working completely from home.

Depression became a real and daily factor of my life. I have taken steps to get back on track life wise. I have a lot of things to be thankful and happy for.

I know last year I told you about the awesome friendships that I have made because of a video game. Well, once again, that same game helped me meet someone who has stolen my heart. I met a man that literally lived around the corner from me the last couple of years. And I am ever so grateful for him. He has kept my daily life filled with a smile.

I am grateful for all of the people that are in my life and for my social-bubble during the most effed up year of my life so far. This feels like a horrible movie script some days.

I wish I could say missing you hurts less, but it doesn't.

I told your mom about the plum tree last night. And that I want to plant a new one in my new yard when I messaged with her this morning. I miss being able to meet up with her and just talk and laugh and cry and then laugh some more.

I keep your spirit alive with a lot of the silly things you used to say and do. Most people do not know where it comes from, but I feel a bit of you with me when I say or do those things.

Ian, you forever changed my life.

I love you.
I miss you.
I hope you're at peace.

Love,
Meredith

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Dear Ian - Year 6

2020-02-18T16:59:43Z

Dear Ian,

Today marks 6 years since you left us.

The anniversary snuck up on me this year. I had a couple of moments where I thought to myself, “That’s right, it is coming up.” I even went to therapy last Friday and told him, “I think I’m in a really good place right now.”

Then, that weekend, it hit me. And I cried in my living room.

The first few months of living completely on my own last year were hard. But I got through it. And then, this summer happened. I watched my grandmother die. In fact, I had to make the call not to resuscitate anymore. That whole event, it messed me up. A lot. For months.

This year I felt extremely broken. I didn’t realize how much it messed me up until probably a dozen people approached me asking about how I was doing because I “didn’t seem like myself” or “seemed off.” That was a depression that I had not known the likes of since, well you died.

About a month ago, something finally flipped a switch and I have a sense of clarity again. And then the reality of today set it. It is a minor setback. I recognize that. But it is still a bit of a gut punch, you know?

This year has had some great points to it though. I made some fantastic friends through the assistance of a video game. We are actually going on a group trip together to St. Louis in March to an event sponsored by the game. It should be a lot of fun. I have never been to St. Louis before.

Brett met an amazing woman and he is happier than I ever remember him being. She invited me to his birthday dinner at your mom’s place last year. It allowed me the opportunity to be around Sarah, Drew, and the kids as well. I can’t believe how big they all are. It feels like a blink that Maxine was turning 2 and you were introducing me to your family. Now Max is doing running events, Charlotte is trying to keep Julian in line (like only a big sister can do), and Julian was quizzing everyone on the Beatles song/album he played via the iPad. That felt like he was channeling you.

I love you very much. You were such a huge part of my life. You still are. I still feel a gigantic hole there sometimes. Other times it feels filled with happy memories and love. But days like this….

I am thinking of buying a house towards the end of this year or early next year. I know, it's crazy. After having the home together with you, I never thought I would go that route again. Especially on my own. It is kind of a scary path if I am being honest.

I never revealed what I did with the t-shirt I gave you and ultimately got back after you left us.I plan on hanging it up at my new place next year. It is a bit heavy, so I haven’t been brave enough to hang it in my apartment.

It's not the best photo, but there you have it. I hope that you approve.

I still miss you every day. I wish I could still share all of these pieces of my life with you. Life does go on, but it is so much different without you here. I find myself using phrases that you used, channeling your persona at times, even making similar gestures to you. I don’t do it on purpose. But it is certainly a testament to how much you impacted my life and how much you have become a part of who I am, my identity.

I love you.
I miss you.
I hope you're at peace.

Love,
Meredith

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A Struggle...Feeling....I Haven't Experienced in a Long Time

2019-07-13T15:46:40Z

I literally just started crying in my car in the way to an appointment. The hard, ugly kind of crying that you hope no one ever sees.

I'm struggling. With lots of things. I know I am.

"You're strong. You'll get through this." I know I'm strong. But sometimes I feel so incredibly weak. Like right now.

I feel abandoned. Alone. Sad. Angry. Hurt. Frustrated.

So alone.

I can't even express how alone I feel right now. The sadness is unbearable at times. The Incubus song Dig is what set me off just now.

"Dig me out from under what is covering, the better part of me." That's how I feel right now.

Buried.

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Dear Ian - Year 5

2019-02-18T18:38:12Z

Dear Ian,

Today marks 5 years since you left us.

Today has been creeping upon me for weeks. I feel my demeanor change. I tend to withdraw some and I don't even realize it. This year was probably worse than normal. I am in the process of moving. On Saturday, I move back to Madison proper. Don't get too excited - its on the East side. I know you were never a fan of the East side, but I have become quite fond of this side of town. The good news is that the Great Dane East is right across the street from me.

Coming across mementos we shared while packing is exceptionally hard being so close to...this anniversary.

I found this photo yesterday and got really emotional. This was at Irish Waters in July 2007, if I am to trust my notes on flickr.

I keep waiting to each year to hurt less. To not cry when I think about missing you. Seeing reminders of Loki is hard too. I miss her little mew. And the licks on my nose. She was an excellent snuggler. Please tell her hi for me, give her pets and hugs and snuggles for me. I am hopeful she found her way back to you after leaving me last year. The only kitty you weren't allergic to.

I still keep in touch with your mom. We try to get together as often as time allows. KB and I have been hanging out a lot more often too. In fact, my new apartment is going to be really close to the place that she and her husband are renting. She and I still have adventures and shenanigans from time to time. I am hoping to have many more the rest of this year.

SO...I move this Saturday. Last week I decided to do something with the Brewers tshirt I made you awhile back. You remember this shirt right?

It has Barrelman on the front. Anyway, after having it hang in my bedroom from the ceiling, literally since they gave it to me, I decided to do something special with it. I get it back on the 26th. I can't wait to share with with everyone. I am very excited to get it back.

There are still so many things, almost on a daily basis, that I wish I could share with you. Songs that remind me of you. Restaurants I wish I could take you to. Adventures I want to have with you.

Spending time with Al, Shooter, Matt B., Vinnie, Randy, Big John (and all the others I have met from your life)....it makes me feel like I still have a part of your life entwined with mine. I am thankful for all of those guys. They put up with me and I love them for it.

We all miss you. Shooter does a toast at his birthday party and always drops in a mention direct and indirect of you. It always make me tear up.

I, and so many other people from your life, wish you were still here.

I love you.
I miss you.
I hope you're at peace.

Love,
Meredith

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Dear Ian - Year 4

2018-02-18T08:50:23Z

Dear Ian,

Today marks 4 years since you left us.

Somehow, this year seem to hurt more than the last couple. It might be that I was floating along, oblivious to just how much this anniversary date was affecting me. Until about Wednesday. Then it was like a punch in the the stomach and I can't seem to *stop* thinking about it. I think that I still miss your presence as least once every day.

This whole last year has been a struggle for me. I had two surgeries, one on both of my feet and then on that stupid bum knee of mine. I am still recovering from the knee surgery. It has proven to be much harder than I anticipated. I promoted at work. Jessica and I are working in the same office again. It has been going really well.

I have some really, really sad news though. Last June, I took Loki in to get her teeth cleaned and she needed a tooth pulled. They put her under anesthesia and her heart rate dropped and then stopped. I broke down at work when they told me. I didn't expect it at all. She was fine and cuddly and sweet the night before. I never imagined that she would never come home again. My boss sent me home that day. I was a complete wreck. And when I had time to really let it sick in, it was like losing the last living piece of our life together. It was like losing you all over again to some degree.

I know how much you loved her. And so did I. I cried like a little girl while typing that. It still hurts. So much still hurts.

I was driving to therapy on Friday. It is a 30 minute drive from my house. I think that I cried 3 or 4 times. I drove past Bonfyre Grill and started thinking about our Valentine's Day dinner mere days before you took your own life. I thought about the phone call from your mom and John and the words that I heard over the phone and how my body just gave out from under me when I got the news. I envisioned what you may have looked like when they found you. I thought about the look on your face that last night I saw you, after we kissed.

Part of me feels like I am so weak for still being so sad. I talked about it with my therapist Friday. He assured me that I am not. But I battle with how and feel and fear of being judged for those emotions.

Your mom and I still connect several times a year. We often talk about you for at least part of our time together. I am very grateful to have her in my life still. I feel like she is one of the few people that really understands what I am feeling and going through.

I want to remember you and smile. It's hard.

Other random things: I finally decided what to do with the money you left me. I think you would be proud and happy with my decision. I adopted a little black and white kitten. I was having trouble naming her and Brett helped come up with a name that I really loved: Glitch. Holy shit I'm going to be 40 this year. For real this time. Not like the facebook party invite that you sent out. KB got married to a really great dude. And KB and I have a really fun project that we started working on.

I wish you were still here.

I love you.
I miss you.
I hope you're at peace.

Love,
Meredith

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A few moments ago

2017-02-19T00:55:44Z

I cried my eyes out. Now I'm going for ice cream. Because. Fuck that.

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Dear Ian - Year 3

2017-02-18T05:12:07Z

Dear Ian -

Today marks 3 years since you left us.

Valentine's Day is a bittersweet holiday. Mostly because of how close it is to when you left.

I start thinking about all of the things that I wish I could have shared with you over the last year. And I think about all of that people that love you and miss you. And I cry. People keep telling me that it will hurt less as time goes on. I am still waiting for that to happen.

I texted with your mom earlier this week. We seem to struggle with things around the same time and reach out to one another. It can be comforting, but it also reminds me of all of the other people that are missing you too.

I suppose this is the part of the letter where I tell you what I have been doing the last year. I bought out my car lease. And then I installed a fancy car stereo. The first song I played on it was Ace of Spades, for you. You always controlled my car stereo. Why should that change now? I still preset all of the radio stations that you required. All of the AM stations, including the ones for Milwaukee - so that you could listen to games, no matter where they were playing on the radio. I still haven't figured out what I am doing wrong with sharing your playlists on Spotify.

Random stuff: I went back to work for my old boss at DWD. I still see my therapist every few weeks. I still mention you at least once per session. Winter hasn't been overly awful this year. I changed from an iPhone to a Pixel and I regret doing it. I am hoping the next iPhone doesn't suck. My boss is enjoying my pain - struggling with Android. Loki is 11 this year. Our baby is getting so old. :(

I miss you so, so much. I wish you were still here.

I love you.
I miss you.
I hope you're at peace.

Love,
Meredith

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